1. The Hair

The amount of hair on one’s body is directly correlated to the amount of information one has about the river. This has been scientifically proven by the Nonexistent Raft Guides United University, or NRGUU. Since all raft guides come from this special educational life changing college experience, they know that they must never cut their hair since that is the source of their wisdom. Is it possible that they misinterpreted the story of Sampson? I don’t think so. From my experience, I guide better when hair is covering my whole body. It also prevents the cold water from touching my delicate skin.

 2. The Smell

The worse the smell is, the better your raft guide will be. Remember: raft guides are known for not showering. There is even a famous joke about this peculiar life style:

 -“How do you starve a raft guide?”

 -“Hide their tips under the soap!”

That’s true, y’all. The reason being that in order to have full contact with nature, we must enjoy our natural scents, without the distraction of artificial, sweet, floral, fresh, amazing, industrialized fragrances.

3. The Clothes

Having an income based on tips given away by free will from customers that just had a life-threatening experience, it is no surprise that raft guides can’t afford expensive clothing. They do not, I repeat, DO NOT, wear shiny, brand new clothes. If your guide looks neat, paddle faster! You cannot trust a well-presented guide, one that does not undergo the tough, yet essential raft guide reality, of having friends that hide the little tips you get under the soap.

4. The Voice

-“Why are pirates great singers?” 

-“Because they can reach the high C’s.”

 You might hear that piece of wisdom from a river professional, or you might not. Nonetheless, all raft guides are great singers- right? Wrong. They do have powerful voices though- at least the best ones. Throughout years of learning how to read the river and control a floating vehicle, raft guides develop their voice power in order to keep themselves and their crew safe. Safe from what, you may ask? From bears of course! Male bears are the number one threat to raft guides, since guides smell just like female bears. For that reason, especially during bear mating season, raft guides must shout to scare away male bears that can swim off of our beloved rafts.

5. The Inability to Count

Do not be alarmed if your guide asks for TWO FORWARD STROKES, AND TWO MORE, AND TWO MORE, AND ONE MORE! That doesn’t mean you got a bad raft guide. On the contrary, he or she must be a great guide, for the idiosyncrasy of this special group of people is their inability to count. This is explained by the raft guide family heritage. According to new discoveries, raft guides are related to the Piraha, a more advanced culture that lives in the Amazon. They are said to have the secret of happiness: they don’t have words for numbers, but instead they have concepts like: “little”, “some”, and “many”. I think we can all agree that life is easier without huge mathematical problems to haunt us. So, appreciate your guide when he or she miscounts the strokes and you might get a glimpse of true happiness.

Warning: Please do not take this post seriously!

 And… Enjoy!

Written by:

Laura Ribeiro