5 Ways to Know If You Got a Good Raft Guide
- The Hair
The amount of hair on one’s body is directly correlated to the amount of information one has about the river. This has been scientifically proven by the Nonexistent Raft Guides United University, or NRGUU. Since all raft guides come from this special educational life changing college experience, they know that they must never cut their hair since that is the source of their wisdom. Is it possible that they misinterpreted the story of Sampson? I don’t think so. From my experience, I guide better when hair is covering my whole body. It also prevents the cold water from touching my delicate skin.
2. The Smell
The worse the smell is, the better your raft guide will be. Remember: raft guides are known for not showering. There is even a famous joke about this peculiar life style:
-“How do you starve a raft guide?”
-“Hide their tips under the soap!”
That’s true, y’all. The reason being that in order to have full contact with nature, we must enjoy our natural scents, without the distraction of artificial, sweet, floral, fresh, amazing, industrialized fragrances.
3. The Clothes
Having an income based on tips given away by free will from customers that just had a life-threatening experience, it is no surprise that raft guides can’t afford expensive clothing. They do not, I repeat, DO NOT, wear shiny, brand new clothes. If your guide looks neat, paddle faster! You cannot trust a well-presented guide, one that does not undergo the tough, yet essential raft guide reality, of having friends that hide the little tips you get under the soap.
4. The Voice
-“Why are pirates great singers?”
-“Because they can reach the high C’s.”
You might hear that piece of wisdom from a river professional, or you might not. Nonetheless, all raft guides are great singers- right? Wrong. They do have powerful voices though- at least the best ones. Throughout years of learning how to read the river and control a floating vehicle, raft guides develop their voice power in order to keep themselves and their crew safe. Safe from what, you may ask? From bears of course! Male bears are the number one threat to raft guides, since guides smell just like female bears. For that reason, especially during bear mating season, raft guides must shout to scare away male bears that can swim off of our beloved rafts.
5. The Inability to Count
Do not be alarmed if your guide asks for TWO FORWARD STROKES, AND TWO MORE, AND TWO MORE, AND ONE MORE! That doesn’t mean you got a bad raft guide. On the contrary, he or she must be a great guide, for the idiosyncrasy of this special group of people is their inability to count. This is explained by the raft guide family heritage. According to new discoveries, raft guides are related to the Piraha, a more advanced culture that lives in the Amazon. They are said to have the secret of happiness: they don’t have words for numbers, but instead they have concepts like: “little”, “some”, and “many”. I think we can all agree that life is easier without huge mathematical problems to haunt us. So, appreciate your guide when he or she miscounts the strokes and you might get a glimpse of true happiness.
Warning: Please do not take this post seriously!
And… Enjoy!
Written by:
Laura Ribeiro
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FAMILY FUN FOR ALL AGES! JON HALL WAS AWESOME! First let me say we had 5 people. Ages ranged from 18 to 42 and everyone had a blast! Jon Hall was an awesome and experienced rafter who really seemed to know his stuff. He was there to make sure... read more 10/31/2019jineshFun Packed Rafting We were a group of friends and each of us enjoyed the ride. The company believes in the complete satisfaction of the customer. We had Phil as our guide and he was amazing. He gave us a really wonderful time... read more 10/15/2019lorihaginsJon Hall makes the experience!!! My husband and I went white water rafting on the Ocoee for the first time and had an absolute blast! This was in part due to the nature of the activity but also because Jon made it such an experience!... read more 10/11/2019 - RonnyRequest Jon Hall Man, this trip was awesome. We did a half day in late September, so the water was still warm but it wasn’t insanely hot outside. We were a more adventurous group, and our tour guide, Jon Hall, did his best... read more 9/29/2019JenniferFantastic company, fantastic experience! There are a lot of choices in this area for white water rafting. I'm glad we chose this one! The proprietor made us feel welcome and is clearly committed to creating an unforgettable experience for his customers that lives through... read more 9/25/2019mammothfilmsAwesome Experience I have nothing but great things to say about OAR. I would recommend anyone looking for an Ocoee rafting adventure to use OAR. The guides are great at what they do and it is easy to see they love doing it. 9/23/2019
- Nina1121Team trip It was great! We did paintball, white water rafting and rock climbing and repelling. John was our instructor for the white water rafting, and for a party of 20 it was the smoothest trip I had ever been on. 9/22/2019JackBest bang for the buck! If you want to float down the river and watch people actually hit rapids repeatedly go somewhere else. If you want to get in the stink, go to OAR. Our guide Jon was the trip leader and he definitely set... read more 9/21/2019imranmeghjiAwesome experience - better than other companies we saw The OAR team did an awesome job to provide an action packed yet safe adventure. John started us off with the most entertaining (yet informative) safety session I have ever seen. All the guides were super knowledgeable and... read more 9/16/2019
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